24 other choices... not one to be seen
Well, this has been eating at me for four hours now. My mind has been unable to comprehend anything else. So... I'm hoping that typing this out will help me through the thought process. It may come out strange, but how it comes out is how it comes out.
I've been trying to distinguish a middle line between two extremes. The problem is... I don't see one. There is option A or option Z. I can't seem to find any of the other 24 letters inbetween. Thinking one way gives the illusion that everything would be fixed. Thinking the other way keeps me hanging - only with a sense of peace. And yet I don't feel that either way is the correct way to go. There is something missing. Thoughts, prayers and cries for help seem to be bouncing off of the ceiling. I know God is there and that His best interest is at hand... I just don't feel it. I also know that emotions are the end result of actions and that I can not rely on them to be the beginning of the future. Yet setting emotions aside seems to take all of the character and some facts out of the picture. It's who I am... who God made me to be. My thinking skills and personality result from actions and how I interpret them. Biblically based of course... or at least to the best of my knowledge - which I am the first to admit that my knowledge is not where it should be. (Praise God it isn't where I use to be!)
All of this results in a growing process that will eventually close one chapter of my life and usher in a new one. I just don't know how much more stretching I can handle. I'm ready to put the book down and finish writing the story later. One catch... I'm not the author and I don't have control over when the story is written. There is the element of free will, but why put something to a hault when I know that I have to go through it at some point in time and it is easier in the long run to go ahead, trudge through and let God be God now.
Well, I'm not sure if it helped or not, but at least I've convinced myself to not put the book down. Maybe it is not time for me to be able to see the middle road. Maybe I need to continue walking in the dark and trust that the path will still be under my feet with the next step. Kinda scary... not knowing if your next step will result in a firm affirmation or an absent confirmation .
I've been trying to distinguish a middle line between two extremes. The problem is... I don't see one. There is option A or option Z. I can't seem to find any of the other 24 letters inbetween. Thinking one way gives the illusion that everything would be fixed. Thinking the other way keeps me hanging - only with a sense of peace. And yet I don't feel that either way is the correct way to go. There is something missing. Thoughts, prayers and cries for help seem to be bouncing off of the ceiling. I know God is there and that His best interest is at hand... I just don't feel it. I also know that emotions are the end result of actions and that I can not rely on them to be the beginning of the future. Yet setting emotions aside seems to take all of the character and some facts out of the picture. It's who I am... who God made me to be. My thinking skills and personality result from actions and how I interpret them. Biblically based of course... or at least to the best of my knowledge - which I am the first to admit that my knowledge is not where it should be. (Praise God it isn't where I use to be!)
All of this results in a growing process that will eventually close one chapter of my life and usher in a new one. I just don't know how much more stretching I can handle. I'm ready to put the book down and finish writing the story later. One catch... I'm not the author and I don't have control over when the story is written. There is the element of free will, but why put something to a hault when I know that I have to go through it at some point in time and it is easier in the long run to go ahead, trudge through and let God be God now.
Well, I'm not sure if it helped or not, but at least I've convinced myself to not put the book down. Maybe it is not time for me to be able to see the middle road. Maybe I need to continue walking in the dark and trust that the path will still be under my feet with the next step. Kinda scary... not knowing if your next step will result in a firm affirmation or an absent confirmation .
posted by Erica at 5:30 PM
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