I want to start this blog by saying, "I don't want this. Not now. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to research it. I don't want be in this state again." And yet, all of those above statements revolve around me. And this isn't about me. It isn't about what I want and what I don't want. It's about God. It's about where He is taking me. What He wants to accomplish through me. Where He wants to do it and when. It's about obeying Him. It's about being more loyal to Him than to my job, my family, my friends. And yet as I'm saying this I am in tears. One because I know that I have been tunning Him out in this part of my life for some significant time now and two because everything I know would change.
I love my job. I love this little community. I love my house church. I love all of my wonderful friends that have become so dear to my heart. I love the everyday aspects of my life.
And yet when I truely look at what God has laid on my heart, when I really see what is there and when I fully allow the Holy Spirit to stir my desires... it's all different.
Every single stinkin' time (yes, I did just say that) I meet someone who is in the mission field, or read a story about missions or even read in the Bible about going and being disciples of men, this energy stirs inside of me. I can't explain it at all. I wish I could. My heart starts beating faster and a positive form of anxiety takes over. And every time I question it for a few days and end up reasoning myself out of all that I have ever thought before. Debt, friends, church, job, potential... I put all of that in the place of God.
I don't doubt that I am stronger now than I was two years ago and I know without question that I have stronger opinions about how "ministry" should be done now... and I know that both of those will contribute to a more postivie experience and an easier time of hearing God's voice. I know that because His voice is now stronger than ever. More direct than ever. And I'm not sure I would be able to reason my way out of it this time. Not that I want to, but that the flesh will certainly try.
So I'm left where? Sitting here wondering where to start. What to look for. Waiting to hear again. And knowing that I now, more than ever, need to take this seriously. The flesh has to go. The fear has to go. And if it doesn't go, than I must ignore.
I love my job. I love this little community. I love my house church. I love all of my wonderful friends that have become so dear to my heart. I love the everyday aspects of my life.
And yet when I truely look at what God has laid on my heart, when I really see what is there and when I fully allow the Holy Spirit to stir my desires... it's all different.
Every single stinkin' time (yes, I did just say that) I meet someone who is in the mission field, or read a story about missions or even read in the Bible about going and being disciples of men, this energy stirs inside of me. I can't explain it at all. I wish I could. My heart starts beating faster and a positive form of anxiety takes over. And every time I question it for a few days and end up reasoning myself out of all that I have ever thought before. Debt, friends, church, job, potential... I put all of that in the place of God.
I don't doubt that I am stronger now than I was two years ago and I know without question that I have stronger opinions about how "ministry" should be done now... and I know that both of those will contribute to a more postivie experience and an easier time of hearing God's voice. I know that because His voice is now stronger than ever. More direct than ever. And I'm not sure I would be able to reason my way out of it this time. Not that I want to, but that the flesh will certainly try.
So I'm left where? Sitting here wondering where to start. What to look for. Waiting to hear again. And knowing that I now, more than ever, need to take this seriously. The flesh has to go. The fear has to go. And if it doesn't go, than I must ignore.
posted by Erica at 10:23 PM
6 Comments:
I'm here. how can I contact you? (blog me)
How exciting, how scary, how - - many other things. Praying for you!
You work on a mission field right now! You are a tent maker if you're willing to be one: right where you ARE.
Every year at this time of year you question your calling? What has happened in your life around this time?
I'm praying for you. Call me if you need to chat a bit.
Love, MA Blogger
I know without a doubt that it needs to be "overseas". That's why I question it. I am in a mission field here. But I have a strong desire to and feel strongly lead to be in another country.
Why this time of year? Because I don't want to sign a new contract if I think I could be leaving within the following school year. I will not leave the class during the school year.
That's your bachelor's degree after all! :)
You could chat with "notreallydoingthis" about the educational system she almost did a two year stint with in China. It's true tent making Christianity.
I'm praying for you. MA Blogger
Hi Erica,
I popped in on your blog today while looking for someone on Blogger and this verse came to mind...
2 Peter 1:10-11 - Therefore my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingbom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I seem to remember you telling me once or twice that Ed Fletcher invited you to Uruguay... you know he goes down there about five or six times a year. I'm sure he'd love the company and he'd be a wonderful source of inspiration and knowledge. . .
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