The last four days have been interesting. Interesting isn't even the correct term... I just can't seem to find the right one. No surprise there, as I am not a fan of letters, but of numbers. Anywho... my eyes have been opened up to so much. I only hope that I can take everything in, remember it, and put it to good use when I need to recall upon this knowledge. Something is changing, something is at work, and somehow I am in the middle of it. What is it? I don't know. My mind can't even begin to imagine. I don't have a starting point. Obviously parts of my life have changed drastically, and although that road is exciting and well on it's way... I don't think it is the major part. It's internal. I think. I hope. Or maybe I'm just loosing it. Either way, God has my attention and I'm waiting for the curtain to be drawn back and the mystery revealed. My heart wants to lead me in a certain way, but I'm not sure I even trust it right now. My brain wants to lead in a similar direction, but it too has lost part of my trust. Therefore, I can only trust my Spirit... and following something so close... almost tripping over it... and realizing more everday how little I really know Him...

God has reminded me of the Isrealites and how they wandered for 40 years in a desert and then were taken to the promise land. They had to overcome physical hurdles, as well as emotional and spiritual. Their history and memories left them wanting the familiar. I think I've been muddling in the familiar. I haven't been following my Leader like I should. He has had to pick me up several times, dry me off and lead. Only for me to turn for a second, recognize what I know and run back to it. When will I stop? Have I already stopped... and this presence, so real I feel I could touch it, is leading me out of the desert and into a land I have never seen. But how do I know this is really what is going on? And what does the land I have never seen look like? I've never been in a world where emotional scars disappeared. Healed? yes... Removed and made new? no... Is that what God desires for me? To be able to recall wisdom and knowledge from those experiences, but never be reminded of them by sight of the scar again? Or do I have to choose not to look at the scar, but know that it's presence is still there?

I have no doubt that I have been healed of my past. So is this level of scars being removed even possible... and doesn't that question sound silly knowing that nothing is impossible for my God? How do I follow Him, not knowing where I am going, having the excitment of a little kid about ready to open her birthday gifts, and still be aware of what is happening today and not missing out on anything that He has for me becuase I am focused on tomorrow?



Huh... my intentions of blogging tonight did not begin in a spiritual sense. I'm not even sure where the above converstaion I just had with myself came from. I meant to blog about photography and the wedding I shot this weekend. But something really is going on. And I'll be honest... I don't think I can work through it on my own. I need wisdom. I have so many questions (as if that wasn't obvious :) ) and no way of answering them. One thing at a time...