Alien... is the only word that comes to mind.

Before anyone who reads this starts to flip out on me and begins to think things that may not be true, please note that I am just trying to sort out my thoughts and get them in order. What I am about to type, I feel often on Sundays. My goal here is to get to the bottom of it and figure out why. My mind has a few answers, but nothing that I feel is correct... at least for the source.

I am without doubt blessed here in BG with the number of friends that surround me and encourage me on a daily basis. I think that is why what I am about to say is so confuzzling for me and makes no sense whatsoever. I wish that I could just dismiss what is going on in my head, but the truth is that I have felt this way for some time. I know at one point I didn't, but it has been to long for me to remember when that point in time was.

So what is it that makes no sense? I feel out of place.

I know I have a number of groups that would welcome me at any time, but I feel as if something is missing. Everyone has at least one other person close that can be their be-all, do-all. A sister, brother, mom, dad, spouse. I have those too... well, most of them :) but they are an hour and a half away. And that tends to make them feel a million miles away. I really miss belonging to a family that lives under the same household. That eats meals together, shops together, cleans together. I guess I'm homesick. But if feels so much stronger than that. I don't feel like I need to pack up and move back to Bellefontaine. That is actually one of my last thoughts. I just want so desperately to not feel alone.

Like I said earlier, knowing that I have so many friends that are dear to me, that last phrase of feeling alone sounds rediculous and almost idiotic. How can I feel so alone when at any time I could call less than 5 people and have something to do or someone to be around? Does all of this come down to selfishness? Should I buck up, get over it and bask in the blessings that God has so willingly given me?

I don't mean to sound ungreatful for the things that God has given me. I truely believe that my friendships here are the source of who I am blossoming to be... someone I would have never transformed into back in Bellefontaine. I know God is moving. I know that this is where I belong. I know I have more growing to do.

I just can't seem to escape from these feelings. I honestly do not want them.

One of the hardest things for me to do lately, is to be around families. I think that is why Sundays are so hard. I wouldn't change a thing about our church. I love how family oriented we are becoming and how families are so connected with each other. I also love how Sunday night groups are meant for the whole family and to go to the group that I do attend and watch the interaction between family members brings me no greater joy. But at the same time, it brings me sadness.

I don't even know how to end this. My mind is racing, yet still at the same time. I, without question, have some more praying to do. I know that God is the source of everything and within that I should be able to find wholeness... I hope I do. I hate this feeling of being incomplete.