Is there a button to push to turn off the thinking part of your brain?

So I'm a little bruised and beat up after today. I don't even know which one to mend first! Where do I start? Where does it end? I know that God has a lot in store for me, but couldn't today's lessons be strung out over the week?!?

Church, this morning, was very difficult for me. The LAST THING I want to hear about right now is marraige!!!!!!!!!!!! But, it was good for me to hear. It really made me (is making me) examine why I do the things that I do.

For example... the last few months I have been concentrating on how I look on the outside. Now I'm not saying that is wrong, but I've let it drive certain parts of my life. (being single) I need to continue to be aware of how I look and what I wear, etc.., but not for other people. For myself. If it is going to help build my confidence... then why not? My problem is, that I've become stuck in looking better for other people. Yes, some people more than others, but nonetheless... for others all the same. This morning, Kim gave a lot of good scriptures and quickly gave a description of what a woman of God is to be like. I realized that I am far from. The biggest thing that God pointed out to me this morning, was that I need to forget about others and how I look for them. Instead, I need to focus on Him and concentrate on nurturing the gentle and quiet spirit He wants me to have. Then, and only then, will I be who He wants me to be.

I just need to remember that it's all about Him... not about me.


Then, after church, my dad and stepmom came to BG to drop off the new matress set that they bought me. (dad found out I was sleeping on the floor and wasn't to happy :) ) At the end of our 1/2 hour visit, dad brought to my attention that the last time they were up here with the kids, I had introduced them as my step-brother and half sister. (Which they are.) Aparently, it hurt them that I didn't just say brother and sister. And I'm hurt knowing that I've hurt them. I guess I understand their mindset,but at the same time... I don't. I've never lived with them, I didn't grow up with them at all, and I rarely get to see them. Not that family is defined by the amount of time that you spend with them. I almost feel as if it is their family that I have been adopted into. Dad went off and started his new life. He didn't ask me to join it, only Wes. And although I have participated in holiday family events, and things are much different now then they were when dad first got remarried... I can't seem to get over thoughts and emotions that I had back then.

Which brings up more things from the past that I thought I had healed from... and now it is all ripped open again.

Dad only asked for custody of Wes... Dad didn't come get us on his weekends, we had to make the effort to get down there... Dad didn't attend concerts/football games/solo contests/musicals... Dad refused to co-sign for my clarinet that I needed for college... Dad had mom lie about income levels so he didn't have to pay as much child support... Dad married into a relationship that forced him three times to choose between his kids or their new family...

I don't mean to bash on my father... and I know that is what it sounds like. I mentioned those things above, I guess... to justify why I have felt abandoned and not part of his "family".

I know that Dad tries now. When he hears of a need, he has been great in the last few years of making sure that need is met. He has driven to BG a few times to attend events that I had a major part in either planning or doing. He is slowing starting to say "I love you" when we get off of the phone. (Which surprises me every time I hear it, simply because I don't ever remember hearing it until recently.)

But the past remains the past, and the little girl in me is still crying. Is the pain ever going to go away? Will it ever really heal? Is my search for significance ever going to end?
Yes, yes, and yes.

It's one of those things that you know, but you have yet to believe.

Lord, help my unbelief. Pick the little girl up and craddle her in your arms. And let her know what it feels like to be wanted and held by her Daddy. I'm afraid it is all to foreign to me. And I don't want it to be, anymore.

And to end... Tonight I finally got the nerve to ask a friend to attned my aunt's wedding with me. The phone conversation started out good with how his weekend went and him telling me he slept under the stars... and even when I mentioned the wedding he said that he didn't think he had anything going on that day. But as the conversation went further, it felt like it also went downward. I heard people in the background, so maybe he wasnt' really in a place to talk, but even his tone of voice changed. I didn't exactly hang up feeling 100% positive about the whole thing. In fact, by the end of the conversation, I was trying to give him easy outs on going. Needless to say, this is the person I have been trying to hard for, and almost wish I would have gotten a "no" from the beginning. I don't want to be pushy. I feel as if I just gave him the flag to run away while you can... which I haven't seen in past behavior in other situations, so I don't know why this would be different.... Anywayz, I'm thinking WAY TO MUCH about all of this.


So to end on a semi funny note... A friend said something to me this morning and caught me off gurad and made me laugh:

"You look so hot this morning, that I can't keep my eyes off of you."

Unfortunately, it wasn't a guy. But it made me smile and hopefully someday I can believe her.