And we're off... (only 181 days left!)

The first day of school has officially come to an end. Well, I guess I still have new parents here going through orientation, but my part of the day has been complete. I have smoozed parents, collected paperwork and smiled until the muscles in my face hurt. :)

Nonetheless, it was a great day and I am excited for the beginning of the year. I have a lot to learn and even more to remember, but as time goes on I'll eventually get it.

I am not... I promise

Several have asked now "What is Option A?"

Without spilling everything that is going on inside my head (as I am not to comfortable with that idea co-existing with the internet), I'll just eliminate some misunderstandings.

I am not moving. I love my church, my job and my friends.
I am not on the verge of going insane... although today at work has been a little crazy - but what do you expect when you are training 8 new employees.
I have not completly given up all hope (which is what was relayed in the previous messages), but have found a new sense of peace and strength that only God has been able to give me.

What is true, however, is although I know not what lies ahead... it is for my good and I can only trust God in the process.

We have a winner...

Option A

24 other choices... not one to be seen

Well, this has been eating at me for four hours now. My mind has been unable to comprehend anything else. So... I'm hoping that typing this out will help me through the thought process. It may come out strange, but how it comes out is how it comes out.

I've been trying to distinguish a middle line between two extremes. The problem is... I don't see one. There is option A or option Z. I can't seem to find any of the other 24 letters inbetween. Thinking one way gives the illusion that everything would be fixed. Thinking the other way keeps me hanging - only with a sense of peace. And yet I don't feel that either way is the correct way to go. There is something missing. Thoughts, prayers and cries for help seem to be bouncing off of the ceiling. I know God is there and that His best interest is at hand... I just don't feel it. I also know that emotions are the end result of actions and that I can not rely on them to be the beginning of the future. Yet setting emotions aside seems to take all of the character and some facts out of the picture. It's who I am... who God made me to be. My thinking skills and personality result from actions and how I interpret them. Biblically based of course... or at least to the best of my knowledge - which I am the first to admit that my knowledge is not where it should be. (Praise God it isn't where I use to be!)

All of this results in a growing process that will eventually close one chapter of my life and usher in a new one. I just don't know how much more stretching I can handle. I'm ready to put the book down and finish writing the story later. One catch... I'm not the author and I don't have control over when the story is written. There is the element of free will, but why put something to a hault when I know that I have to go through it at some point in time and it is easier in the long run to go ahead, trudge through and let God be God now.

Well, I'm not sure if it helped or not, but at least I've convinced myself to not put the book down. Maybe it is not time for me to be able to see the middle road. Maybe I need to continue walking in the dark and trust that the path will still be under my feet with the next step. Kinda scary... not knowing if your next step will result in a firm affirmation or an absent confirmation .

Have you ever been so impatient... that you annoy yourself?

I can't seem to let go. I know that God has called us all to give everything to Him, but it is as if I'm looking at my own hands, telling them to let go, and not having the ability to move them. I've never had to work this hard and get nothing as a result. It's frustrating!

Safety pins

Yet another form of holding things together.

Today I have two friends that are getting married. The preparation process has been fun and full of great memories. The dresses are beautiful, the decorations enchanting and the tuxes... Well, let's just say that I have a whole new appreciation for suspenders. :) After seeing that the bride was well taken care of, I ventured over to the groom and his men. What I found was four boys needing help with pinning the flower (cause I can't spell that fancy word for it) to their jackets, and one in desperate need of keeping his pants around his waist. The poor guy... if he added any weight in his pockets, they would have fallen straight down. Praise God for him being aware of my presence and not letting that circumstance happen! We ended up pinning his pants to his shirt so that they would stay in the proper place. Once they get back from pictures we'll have to do some more adjustments.

So I've come to the conclusion that weddings can not be pulled off unless you have safety pins... and lots of them.

I am confident that this wedding will be absolutely stunning and unlike the groomsmen's pants, I know that these two are the perfect fit and that God's blessing will be poured into their lives.

paper clips and rubber bands

I'm sitting here at my desk looking out the window to the new addition that is being put onto our school. It amazes me to think about just how many items/tools that are being used to put all of those individual pieces together to create one form. There are so many different ways to put it all together and yet there are only a few that would do the job to it's fullest potential. Take for example, paper clips and rubber bands. Not exactly the best tools to use on a construction site, but perfect for my office. Both items hold things together in neat little stacks, but neither object could do the other's job.

I know that you think I'm crazy (and that's ok), but I have to give my friends something to laugh at! :)

But on a more serious note, I look at my life and see how it is being held together. I can't help but wonder how much knowledge (and Love) it takes to make sure the right tool is being used. Furthermore, it blows my mind away to see the perfection in the use of a paper clip in my past instead of a rubber band and the effects it has now.

I'm sure there will be more to come on paper clips and rubber bands, but for now I need to eat lunch!