What I've learned since the "What I know" post:

Thyroid and sugar levels are fine.
Aggrevating phone conversation with Doctor.
Will no longer see him.
Need to research more on my own.
Paid $40 for "Win AntiSpyWare" (a.k.a. - a virus).
Deleted "AntiSpyWare" and computer now works.

:) Learned a lot for one day!


Things to smile about:
:) I'm healthy as a horse... just a tired one
:) Ordering photos!

Here's what I know.

Something isn't right.
Doctor is going to do test until he finds whats wrong.
Blood work done Tuesday morning.
Nearly fainted.
Doctor got results Wed. (today)
If bad, he was going to call.
If good, he was going to send a letter.
No call.
Good?
What tests come next?
Not real fond of more blood work.
Still tired.
Still sleeping.
Still feel weak.
Kids are funny. :)

I know the last doesn't fit, but as I was quickly reviewing my day in my mind a glimpse came back. We have a little boy who is a limit tester. (Piece of cake after having been in a room with several who followed this path of behavior.) He was moving to quickly throughout the room today. I asked him several times to use his walking feet. After he quickly went by me again I said, "E, please come here." He proceeded to walk up to me and say, "Call me if you need me." I'm not sure if he winked, but it was with that mindset that he made that comment. It was so cute that I just had to smile and proceed with the day.

Things to smile about:
:) Knowing I don't have to worry
:) photography
:) the thought of going to bed... soon

Good news? Bad news? I'll let you know as soon as I know.

I went to the doctor today. I was surprised they could even get me in. After describing to the doc about how I was feeling, a short review of my medical history, and answers to even more questions, he has come to the conclusion that it probably is not mono. I guess because of how often I get to feeling this way. So... I have to get blood work done. I think he is testing my thyroid and sugar levels... all of which were ok the last time I was tested. From there, I'm not sure what he is going to do. All I know, is that within 10 min. of being in his office, he was listing things that it could possibly be and several forms of lymphoma were near the top of his list. Not exactly something I wanted to hear!


Things to smile about today:
:) extra day in the weekend
:) crossing off things on my "to-do" list

It's been a good week.

Lots of good thoughts.
Good comments.
And a sense of peace.

I want to start this blog by saying, "I don't want this. Not now. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to research it. I don't want be in this state again." And yet, all of those above statements revolve around me. And this isn't about me. It isn't about what I want and what I don't want. It's about God. It's about where He is taking me. What He wants to accomplish through me. Where He wants to do it and when. It's about obeying Him. It's about being more loyal to Him than to my job, my family, my friends. And yet as I'm saying this I am in tears. One because I know that I have been tunning Him out in this part of my life for some significant time now and two because everything I know would change.

I love my job. I love this little community. I love my house church. I love all of my wonderful friends that have become so dear to my heart. I love the everyday aspects of my life.

And yet when I truely look at what God has laid on my heart, when I really see what is there and when I fully allow the Holy Spirit to stir my desires... it's all different.

Every single stinkin' time (yes, I did just say that) I meet someone who is in the mission field, or read a story about missions or even read in the Bible about going and being disciples of men, this energy stirs inside of me. I can't explain it at all. I wish I could. My heart starts beating faster and a positive form of anxiety takes over. And every time I question it for a few days and end up reasoning myself out of all that I have ever thought before. Debt, friends, church, job, potential... I put all of that in the place of God.

I don't doubt that I am stronger now than I was two years ago and I know without question that I have stronger opinions about how "ministry" should be done now... and I know that both of those will contribute to a more postivie experience and an easier time of hearing God's voice. I know that because His voice is now stronger than ever. More direct than ever. And I'm not sure I would be able to reason my way out of it this time. Not that I want to, but that the flesh will certainly try.

So I'm left where? Sitting here wondering where to start. What to look for. Waiting to hear again. And knowing that I now, more than ever, need to take this seriously. The flesh has to go. The fear has to go. And if it doesn't go, than I must ignore.

Sunday night we had a really good discussion. (I think anyway.) There were a few topics at hand, but the main point revolved around Romans 7 and the "exchanged life". As we were talking about living under grace instead of law, the following story came to mind: (This was not discussed in great detail... these are all thoughts that have been going on in my head since that time.)

1 Samuel 8:4-7

Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah; and they said to him, "Behold, you have grown old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now appoint a king for us to judge us like all the nations. " But the thing was displeasing in the sight of Samuel when they said, "Give us a king to judge us." And Samuel prayed to the Lord. The Lord said to Samuel "Listen to the voice of the people in regard to all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected Me from being king over them."

1 Samuel 8:22

The Lord said to Samuel, "Listen to their voice and appoint them a king." So Samuel said to the men of Israel, "Go every man to his city."


In between verses 7 and 22, the people refused to listen to Samuel and continued to demand a king. I can only imagine how many days this must have gone on. The question is why did they continue to beg for a king? Were they not able to find sufficency in the Lord? They must have felt an overwhelming need to have one leader. One decision maker who could say what they could or could not do. One law that told them what was right and what was wrong. They turned their ears away from God and towards a human being. They may have called upon His name but their dependency rested more on the law than on the Lord.

** Side note, at that time, they did not have the Holy Spirit. Some time of external control besides the 10 commandments may have been needed.

I believe that we have created our own "kings".

We have:
King Baptist
King United Methodist
King Nazarene
King Catholic
King Non-denominational
etc.

We have created for ourselves little communities. I know that there are not specific people in charge of each denomination. There is no one person sitting on some thrown giving commands. Instead, we have made the denominations the kings. We've written pages upon pages of things to do or not to do, things we believe in or do not believe in. We've even signed and dated them... having taken votes to make it all official. The doctrine has taken place of the law, most of the time incorporating parts of it to fit the needs/desires for that community.

**Side note in relation to above side note: WE HAVE THE HOLY SPIRIT

One question here: When and/or Where did the need or desire start to change or further define the Word of God?

Each community has a common goal: to reside with God in Heaven... But each seeks that goal in a different way. Are the differences bad? right? wrong? biblical? unbiblical? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.



...Just some thoughts for now. I may have more later.


Things to smile about today:
:) accomplishing many things for the school fundraising dinner
:) watching the confidence grow in children as they complete an activity successfully
:) knowing that my new digital camera will be delivered tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today for demonstration (at school... we show the kids a new activity every day), I was showing them how to pour water. This is a BIG deal in the room as all of the children were very excited. So excited, in fact, that they were silent on the circle. You could honestly have heard a pin drop. So... I start the demonstraton and use slow movements to emphasize how careful you should be when pouring water. (Keep in mind that some of these children have never done this before.) Anywayz, as quite as it was, I started pouring and I heard off to my left (in a whisper)... "It sounds like someone is peeing!" It took EVERYTHING in me to not laugh. I actually had to hold my breath while I finished the demonstartion so that I would not laugh out loud. My co-teachers were not helping as they had to turn their heads and not look at me.


Such a good start to my day. And such a good ending to my day as well... girls night out, good food, a razza, and a request played on the radio. (I actually spoke on radio!... So yeah, if y'all want an autograph just let me know.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIELLE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Things to smile about today:
:) whispering
:) girls night out
:) MY BEST BUDDY FROM COLLEGE GETTING ENGAGED! CONGRATS SHAWN!!!!