Wow... It feels like it has been forever since I have been on here. So much as happened. Where to begin?!?

The coolest thing that has happened, was by far, the fact that I got to drive my step-dad's F150 around all weekend. I love driving trucks! You are up high off the road and it feels so much more safe than my car. But, I have to give it back tomorrow :(. He needs it to hull lumber... go figure.

Anywayz, I had the truck to help with the Fall Festival. The festival turned out great. I don't know exactly how many we had there, but it had to of been around 80. The band had fun (at least I hope) and everyone enjoyed dancing to the accordian. The students and kids got a kick out of the hay ride and pumpkin carving, as well. The only bad thing was the wind. And it did cause a lot of problems. No fire could be lit for the bonfire, and the mics for the band had to be covered... that was interesting. It all worked out in the end, and I am, without question, ready to wait a year before I plan anything that big again.

Let's see... what else?

I do have a guest for the wedding. He's driving down by himself on sat., though. I can't believe someone would want to drive 2 hours by themselves to attend a wedding of people they have met once. But, oh well... he's going.

I've also had a new sense of letting things go. God has been teaching me over the last couple of weeks of things that I need to let go. I know that I need to let everything go, but He is being kind and specifically pointing those things out. Things I didn't really know I had a grip on. Looking back I can see it, and I doubt I have fully let go. But when this all started, I didn't have a clue. I really appreciate how God let's us give things up on our own. I think it helps us in understanding just how complex things can be and how little we have control over them, even when we try our hardest.

I need to keep the "hands off" policy in the front of my mind... every second.

Lord, continue to work in my life. Continue to show me the things that I need to hand over to you. Help me keep my hands off the things that I have been clinging to for so long. It's time to let them go. I want to let them go. Life is much better when it is the way you intended it to be. Help me to not mess it up any longer.

Just enough at just the right time

It amazes me to watch God work.

This weekend is a festival for the International students. At the beginning of this week, the list was a mile long as to the things that are needed to pull this off. And even though there is still a list, it is much shorter and I am awed at the response.

We are hoping to have 150 people at this event. One of the activities is pumpkin carving. At the beginning of the week we only had 12 or so pumpkins. Yesterday I received a phone call. Someone donated 100 pumpkins!! 100!!! How cool! My expectation of more than 100 felt like it was to far fetched, but God answered! :) Volunteers are another big area that I need help with. Especially with set up and tear down. Thus far, I have people to help tear down, but I would like a few more for set up. With one day left to find these people, I'm a little hesitant. But God has proven Himself faithful and I am willing to lean on that.

It hasn't just been for the festival that God has been faithful. In my personal life, I have been struggling with an extreme lack of energy. There are a few reasons as to why, but not all of it adds up. I've been yelled at to go to the doctor, but when the check book reads seven dollars... it's a little hard. I did call for financial back up from mom, but I have to wait two to three days until that can come in. Until then, I'm going to take some pre-natal vitamins that were suggested and see if those help.
Anywayz, God has really helped me through this week. I've needed for Him to carry me some this week and He has. I didn't know it at the time, but as I look back, I can see where my footprints stop and then come back.

There is one good thing to being tired... I don't have enough energy to think! Therefore, I don't over think anything! That, in and of itself, has been great! :) Boys... who cares! Finances... it'll get here some how! And my past... praise God I don't have to relive it everyday!!!

Well, I'm off. I think I might take a nap before worship practice. There are two sessions tonight and I'm in the second set.

Is there a button to push to turn off the thinking part of your brain?

So I'm a little bruised and beat up after today. I don't even know which one to mend first! Where do I start? Where does it end? I know that God has a lot in store for me, but couldn't today's lessons be strung out over the week?!?

Church, this morning, was very difficult for me. The LAST THING I want to hear about right now is marraige!!!!!!!!!!!! But, it was good for me to hear. It really made me (is making me) examine why I do the things that I do.

For example... the last few months I have been concentrating on how I look on the outside. Now I'm not saying that is wrong, but I've let it drive certain parts of my life. (being single) I need to continue to be aware of how I look and what I wear, etc.., but not for other people. For myself. If it is going to help build my confidence... then why not? My problem is, that I've become stuck in looking better for other people. Yes, some people more than others, but nonetheless... for others all the same. This morning, Kim gave a lot of good scriptures and quickly gave a description of what a woman of God is to be like. I realized that I am far from. The biggest thing that God pointed out to me this morning, was that I need to forget about others and how I look for them. Instead, I need to focus on Him and concentrate on nurturing the gentle and quiet spirit He wants me to have. Then, and only then, will I be who He wants me to be.

I just need to remember that it's all about Him... not about me.


Then, after church, my dad and stepmom came to BG to drop off the new matress set that they bought me. (dad found out I was sleeping on the floor and wasn't to happy :) ) At the end of our 1/2 hour visit, dad brought to my attention that the last time they were up here with the kids, I had introduced them as my step-brother and half sister. (Which they are.) Aparently, it hurt them that I didn't just say brother and sister. And I'm hurt knowing that I've hurt them. I guess I understand their mindset,but at the same time... I don't. I've never lived with them, I didn't grow up with them at all, and I rarely get to see them. Not that family is defined by the amount of time that you spend with them. I almost feel as if it is their family that I have been adopted into. Dad went off and started his new life. He didn't ask me to join it, only Wes. And although I have participated in holiday family events, and things are much different now then they were when dad first got remarried... I can't seem to get over thoughts and emotions that I had back then.

Which brings up more things from the past that I thought I had healed from... and now it is all ripped open again.

Dad only asked for custody of Wes... Dad didn't come get us on his weekends, we had to make the effort to get down there... Dad didn't attend concerts/football games/solo contests/musicals... Dad refused to co-sign for my clarinet that I needed for college... Dad had mom lie about income levels so he didn't have to pay as much child support... Dad married into a relationship that forced him three times to choose between his kids or their new family...

I don't mean to bash on my father... and I know that is what it sounds like. I mentioned those things above, I guess... to justify why I have felt abandoned and not part of his "family".

I know that Dad tries now. When he hears of a need, he has been great in the last few years of making sure that need is met. He has driven to BG a few times to attend events that I had a major part in either planning or doing. He is slowing starting to say "I love you" when we get off of the phone. (Which surprises me every time I hear it, simply because I don't ever remember hearing it until recently.)

But the past remains the past, and the little girl in me is still crying. Is the pain ever going to go away? Will it ever really heal? Is my search for significance ever going to end?
Yes, yes, and yes.

It's one of those things that you know, but you have yet to believe.

Lord, help my unbelief. Pick the little girl up and craddle her in your arms. And let her know what it feels like to be wanted and held by her Daddy. I'm afraid it is all to foreign to me. And I don't want it to be, anymore.

And to end... Tonight I finally got the nerve to ask a friend to attned my aunt's wedding with me. The phone conversation started out good with how his weekend went and him telling me he slept under the stars... and even when I mentioned the wedding he said that he didn't think he had anything going on that day. But as the conversation went further, it felt like it also went downward. I heard people in the background, so maybe he wasnt' really in a place to talk, but even his tone of voice changed. I didn't exactly hang up feeling 100% positive about the whole thing. In fact, by the end of the conversation, I was trying to give him easy outs on going. Needless to say, this is the person I have been trying to hard for, and almost wish I would have gotten a "no" from the beginning. I don't want to be pushy. I feel as if I just gave him the flag to run away while you can... which I haven't seen in past behavior in other situations, so I don't know why this would be different.... Anywayz, I'm thinking WAY TO MUCH about all of this.


So to end on a semi funny note... A friend said something to me this morning and caught me off gurad and made me laugh:

"You look so hot this morning, that I can't keep my eyes off of you."

Unfortunately, it wasn't a guy. But it made me smile and hopefully someday I can believe her.

It's Monday...

... and the blog below proves that! Wow... I published a blog that I didn't write in. What's my problem? I'm going crazy... that's my problem.

Okay, not really. I'm not going crazy (although some would argue otherwise). But it has, without question, been a day that could qualify me.

I started my morning with two phone calls from employees who could not come into work. That was followed by 4 subs who were either working somewhere else, or out of town. In the middle of all these phone calls, the security company called informing me that the alarm had been set off at the school. It was reset, however, right before they called, but still needed to inform me that the police had been here and found out that a plumber/electrician was in the crawl space fixing a problem. What problem was he fixing? Oh... the gas line that was cut Sat. by the city who is putting in a storm drainage down the side of our building, making the loudest pounding noice every 15 seconds for a length of time of 20 - 25 seconds, (And no, I'm not exaggerating, I just timed it!), next to the classrooms who are taking the Metropolitain 8 test, in 60 degree weather because our heaters were not working!

So, today, I am learning how to rely on God's strength more than I have had to in a long time. I know I am not rested. And there-in lies most of the problem.

Well, I must go. I am still at work. We do have heat, the kids are done with tests for the day, and the pounding is still going, but... the day must go on.

It's Monday

the little girl in me...

is still looking.

Have you ever had something hit you so hard and stir up emotion so quickly, and yet you didn't know why?

I experienced extreme sadness today... and it came quicker than anything ever has before. The thing that threw me, was that I didn't even know why it hit so hard. What happened was sad, but it hit much deeper... on a personal level.

I was watching some movie. I don't even remember the name, but a line in the movie broke my heart. The base of the movie is around a mother who looses her life giving birth. The father denies it at first and dives into work. After failure entered the work environment, he realized his failure in his personal life. He decided to find a less time consuming job and raised his little girl. After 7 years, he finally decided to go back to the big city and try getting the same type of job he had before. His little girl didn't take it very well, and in the midst of an arguement, he yelled...

"You and your mom took that away from me 7 years ago, and all I want is that life back."

(I don't know if that is exactly the set of words, but close enough to get the picture.) I was shattered. Like I said earlier, it was on a deeper, personal level. It was as if a memory very similar to that scene had popped into my mind. I had to leave the room. I have yet to explain to my friends why I left.

Anywayz, as I was praying and crying, I asked God where this was coming from. I knew it was deeper than just a role in the movie. I'm still not 100% sure, but there are things that I do remember that I can connect it to. After the divorce, my dad tried to only get custody of my brother. Even though I know I would not have gone to live with my dad, rejection was still an emotion that ran through my body.

There were other things that I connected it to while I prayed, but those have left me now. I started praying that God would heal those wounds. It's amazing how you think something in your life is finally finished... and how something else so small can rip it all apart again.

country girl to the core

I absolutely love fall. The color of the leaves, the... well, okay, I guess it's just the color of the leaves. :) I don't enjoy this cold weather. Sweatshirt weather is great, but today... I needed gloves!

As I was waiting outside this morning for a friend to come, I got to watch the leaves fall off of the trees. It was so cool. It wasn't just one or two, but a blanket of leaves falling continuously. And the wind was causing them to swirl around the house. I do believe it was one of the prettiest things I have ever seen. Almost like a snow globe with orange and red leaves instead. And then to travel out in the "country" to his house. There were so many trees that were at full color, and watching the wind blow the leaves into the corn fields that are being taken down... It made me very thankful that I live in the country. I don't think I would ever survive in a city.

convicted card games

When I asked, "What should I blog about?", the response "Your awesome roommate" came from the couch cushion next to me.

So... here I am, writing about my awesome roommate, who is sitting next to me (hence the couch cushiong talking)... and I'm being forced to say all of these nice, crazy things that make her sound as if she is God's gift to the planet. :)

Actually, it's quite nice to be able to hang out with her.

So... my dress came in the mail today for my aunt's wedding. It fits without having to size it! I'm so excited... this saves me money. But now, I must find some black shoes with at least a two inch heal so that the dress doesn't have to be hemmed. I have time, but not a whole lot.

Oh my goodness... I had almost forgotten to share my most scary incident this week! This weekend I was bored. So... I decided to get on line and play some euchre. I had not done this in a long time and felt a little strange entering a world that had not been visited for awhile. Anywayz, I had been playing a couple of games with this person. I think we had won all of the them, but that's not important. Anywayz, I decided that I didn't want to ask the same old boring questions that everyone does. In all reality, I don't really care how old people are or where they are from. I was curious, however, about what jobs they all held. I was hoping that it would lead into me being able to talk about wanting to go into the mission field, at least short term, some day and maybe some doors would open from there.

But, that door pretty much got slammed in my face. When I asked the question, my euchre partner typed that he didn't have a career... he was serving time in prison in NY!! I was playing euchre with a convict!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He continued to talk (to the other people at the table who had quickly become interested) about his buddy that worked in the kitchen with him, who was in for murder and had escaped just a short time ago!!!!!!!!! I think he did mention that he got caught.

So yeah, excitment for the day.

I must be goin to bed. I have the most exciting morning ahead of me. A 7am meeting! The material/content will not be bad. It will actually be somewhat exciting as it will be a lot of number crunching,but the time that the meeting will be taking place is, without question, way to early, and I might not be able to think.

Night.

Words of wisdom

I don't even know where to begin.

So many thoughts and emotions have gone through my head and my heart that I can not begin to describe them.

I just spent two days in Atlanta with 8,500 people and great speakers. They had challenging things to say and yes, my butt got kicked several times. The timing of this trip could not have been more perfect. Things were confirmed, tossed and corrected so many times. It was so good to sit and listen to leaders who have traveled the road and have been at the stopping points that I am currently coming to.

There were several quotes that came about this weekend. The one that has made the biggest impact, came from Erwin McManus:

If you are big enough for your dream, your dream is not big enough for you.

How true is this!?! If I can accomplish all that I want to accomplish, then it isn't big enough and God is not my dependent. I am the dependant! But why would I want to be the dependant? So... dreams get increased and desires get magnified and the confidence that God is with me becomes greater. Yet, my abilities and my strengths remain the same.... allowing my dream to become bigger than me and God to be the dependant. The great thing is... this new, bigger dream has now become possible. But not by me... through me, by God.


Other quotes that I like but might comment on later:

Live everday knowing something bigger is going on. - Andy Stanley

Just because you don't understand it, see it, or get it, doesn't mean God doesn't. - Stanley

You have never had a though about God that is better than He is. - Brian McLaren

Sometimes we try to write the end before we finish the introduction. - McManus

You can only find the Kingdom with your heart. - John Eldredge

Don't make agreements with the smaller theme. - Eldredge

Of course it is hard to live from the heart, but it is worth it. - Eldrege

We are so concerned about our kids being good that we forget to extend the offer for them to be great. - Bill Strickland

You have to see what other people don't see with confidence. - Chuck Colson

You don't need to know the end, you just need to be obedient today! - John Maxwell

Place your ambition for God under your submisson to God. - Maxwell

the longest blog ever...

Eventful... there's no other word. My weekend was crazy! Most of it was a good crazy, but nonetheless... things need to slow down a little or I'm going to get run over by my own two feet!

Friday night started with the straight and boring drive to Bellefontaine. I can normally get into a cd or even the radio, but once I hit Dunkirk... I'm ready stop. The only problem, is that Dunkirk is only half way there. Anywayz, I get to Bellefontaine and go straight to my dad's house. I arrive, only to find that Dad and Sherry are not there with the kids. They proceed to tell me that Grandma had fallen on Thurs. and that she was on her way to the emergency room to get her hip checked out. She thought that she had broken it. My grandmother is not in the greatest of health and our family has a tendency to rush to the hospital for everything, but, even so, she was in a lot of pain and wanted to get it looked at. The first set of details that I had received included her falling on her hip that was replaced a few years ago and that the bones surrounding the replacement, were the ones that were broken. However, after beginning the paperwork for the emergency room, she explained that she had actually fallen on her hip that needs to be replaced. So, the doctor took some x-rays and told her that it was not broken, just a little bruised, and that the pain was caused by her bones rubbing against each other.

The kids and I ended up going out to eat at Subway and renting a movie. When we were at the hospital the second time (after supper) the ambulance had pulled up and taken a body straight to the morgue. My brother, who is 12, started getting freaked out when he came to the realization that dead bodies were inside the hospital. I don't know where he thought they went, but he didn't like the idea of being in the same building as them. He started asking questions about the morgue and what they do to the bodies, but at the same time didn't want to hear the answers. It lead into a great conversation, however, about Heaven and how to get there. We ended up talking about it in the car on the way back to Dad's house. I got to explain that going to Heaven meant that you loved God, read His Word and lived your life for Him. (I used different words to help explain this to a 13 and 10 year old) This conversation then brought up questions like: Do you have to attend church to go to Heaven? What do you do once you read the Bible once? What does it say about... how to love God, what to do... etc.

Needless to say, it was a great conversation! I also found out, through Travis (brother) that Dad does still read his Bible everyonce in a while and keeps it right on top of his dresser. How often that is?... I don't know. Travis and Mickayla (sister) both expressed that all they had were "kid" Bibles and wanted a "real" one. I think I know what I'm getting them for Christmas!!

To continue on... Friday night ended with me at Mom and Mike's house reading my book and enjoying a nice night's of sleep in a queen size bed!!

Saturday I awoke with a list of "to do" a mile long. Mom and I went to the grocery store and got some final things for the shower and then went to Aunt Tammy's house to decorate and arrange furniture. 26 women ended up coming. We had a great time and laughed a lot.

Saturday night wasn't eventful, as I just had to drive back to BG. I spent most of the trip in silence. It was so good! I need to incorporate more silence time into my life.

Sunday was church with a really good lesson and some powerful music. I'm not just saying that because I play keyboard. I'm saying it because I could actually hear the congregation singing at one point in time. You know that when they are singing loud enough for us to hear them over our monitors, that they are really with the Spirit and praising God with all that they have. Not that they are not in the Spirit when I can't hear them, it's just a really good audio sign that God is being honored as He should. We, as a church, have a long way to go, but, at the same time, we are not where we used to be. I look forward to continue growing closer to God as a family...

Even after all of the fun that I had... it wasn't over. Sunday after church, I was getting into my car (at my house - going to the store) and my left ankle folded on me. No warning, no weakness, just folded. Thankfully, I had taken off the heals and was wearing a shoe that only had an inch sole. My ankle didn't have far to go. It went numb and cracked (actually in the reverse order) and I managed to hop inside where I iced it and wrapped it. I, of course, still had to go to the store. So, I waited about a half hour and went to Kroger to buy the ingredients that made my first batch of dressing for the holiday season. Boy, was it good!

Concluding my evening with Bible study, I was ready to come home and go to bed. Which, after typing this and reflecting on the day I had today... I'm ready to do the same.

Sweet dreams.