The sun is shinning, the breeze feels wonderful and I am excited about this weekend.

(For those wondering... my last post I was confuzzled about life situations and decisions God makes. I wasn't angry at Him. Just angry in general about how things sometimes play out. I'm better and know that I may never get some of those answers.)


Things to smile about today:
:) P/T conferences are over!
:) the sun
:) photography
:) taking a nap!

I don't understand and I'm angry.

Quick story before I have to go back to conferences:

I was sitting on the circle reading with two different girls. After one was done, she left. Two other little girls then sat on my left side (but a few feet away). The second girl was done and she left. I was sitting there observing when K comes and sits on my right. (One of the two who initially sat on my left.) This is the following conversation:

L - "K, you moved."
K - "Yes"
L - "Why did you move?"
K - "Because I want to sit by Miss Erica."
L - "Well, I don't!"

Some of today's thoughts:
* I don't like being cold.
* I wish it was softball season.
* Okay, Lord. I know. I need to be in Your Presence.
* I'm trying.
* If that's the worst thing I do today, I'm doing pretty good.
* You're right. I stepped out. Trying to come back.
* I can't do this job.
* I don't have enough knowledge.
* You're right. Those are lies.

Struggled today. Not sure why today was harder than any other day. I'm glad it's coming to an end. I hope I can stay in the Lord's presence for longer periods of time tomorrow.

Things to smile about today:
:) God is bigger
:) "What's your marraige?"
:) a successful season with Upward

Things to smile about today:
:) Dinner with friends
:) laughing really really hard
:) sharing life
:) being a family

Dear friends of mine, please read knowing that I love and cherish the depth and value that you add to my life. I also greatly appreciate the words of encouragment and times of sharpening that you obediently provide. The following is not said with a discouraging or frustrated spirit. It is simply me, taking what God has given you to say, and trying to process it all.

I tend to become quiet in crowds. The bigger the crowd, the quieter I become. This happens in any setting. Staff meeting, church, family gatherings, class, hanging out at friends' houses... anywhere. One on one, I get my share of the conversation. Three... I listen more. Five to ten... I have typically spoken when spoken to and more than that and I go into silent mode. I've always been that way. (Not saying that I will always be that way.) It's just who I am in social settings. Part of me (at this time) strongly feels that it's the way I was made.

The thought process comes in to play when I am involved with a community that is there to share life together (referencing church). It's on the larger side of the scale and I have been near silence, if not completely silent, during the study and share part of the evening. Things that I have felt greatly pressed upon my heart have been shared... it's just been a few weeks. Not that God doesn't talk to me. I learn quite often and am actually in a very consistent learning process right now. So why is there nothing pressed upon my heart to share?

Some thoughts:
1. I like to have thoughts put together before expressing them. If they are not put together, I can't get them out verbally. Therefore, having been in a continual thought provoking, learning frame of mind... nothing is solidified to where I can "teach" or share it with others, yet.
2. The larger the crowd... the quieter I am. Some may feel I can't use this as an excuse... and maybe I can't. But for now, my introverted personally is dominant.
3. My verbal skills are far less than written. That's a scary thought. :) Being able to type this out... I'm actually just now able to put into words thoughts that have been banging around in my head for the last week. Not to mention the bonus of being able to reread these and change as necessary or continue the thought process that I continually abandon.
4. Everyone contributes to the body of Christ. What if I'm the ears. Ears don't speak. They listen and then relay the information to the brain for in depth thought processing... which gives to the mouth for verbal contribution. Does this mean that I can never speak up? No. But does it mean that my times of speaking may be less frequent than my times of listening?

I'm not sure I got anywhere except for having a formal, written thought process.

Last night (at church) I prayed and asked God to give me something to share or a question to ask. Several times... throughout the night. Nothing came up! No random thoughts no pressed upon my heart statements... blank. It's not that I'm not willing. At least I don't think... if it is, the Lord needs to reveal that to me. It's just unknown at this time. Which I guess is why I am on this specific journey at this point in time.

So... there it is. Comments, sharpening, encouragment... welcomed.

Random thoughts:

* It needs to rain soon... these tension headaches are not fun.
* In our room we have rectangular prisons (their real names are rectangular prisoms.)
* Is it okay to ask the Lord to bless something specific for yourself?
* driving home this weekend... going to try and talk dad out of blue countertops. :)
* 3 weeks of Upwards left
* awesome time of silence last night... 4 hours! I needed that so much
* PAYDAY!!!!!!!!!
* friends that the Lord has been leading me to pray for, for days now
* a weird dream... detailed... posibly to show how I truely see myself. (much different than the head knowledge of who I am, but possibly closer to the heart knowledge that I suppress.)
* 3 hours left in the school day - a weekend needed

Furthering my previous post:

I've now found some things that need to go. (Self/flesh patterns that need to die) The question then: How? How do I eliminate these things? How do I make sure that my desire becomes pure and stays that way?

But look at how I just asked those quesitons. How do I...? Before I even start trying to figure it out, I've got it all wrong. If God wants us to rely on Him for everything, then that means that He wants us to rely on Him for this as well.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to be selfless. I will never be able to give of my time freely. I will never be able to give up my "future". I will never be able to love everyone the way Christ does.

But God doesn't expect me to, either. I can't love the way Christ does because I am not Christ. The only way for me to love the way Christ does is to have Christ love through me!

All of the flesh patterns that need to die... I would have to DO something inorder to eliminate them from my life. That would then only lead to a temporary, false death.

I can not (and God does not want me to) DO anything on my own to help any situation regarding either myself of anyone else. (Living uder law.)

I just need to BE. (Living under grace.)

I used a rubberband to hold a drying rack toghether today. I didn't think much of it then, but as I logged on here tonight I got to thinking about the title of my blog and why I choose it. (I started with that title because I wanted to periodically blog about how we are all different and serve different purposes while here on earth.) It hit me in a different light tonight.

Rubberbands gets stretched and stretched and stretched some more. In fact, if you do not stretch a rubberband for some time, they loose their flexability and can break when you finally try. I use to see my life as a rubberband. God stretching me, and stretching me some more so that I wouldn't loose my flexability and break. One of my main supports: God will not give you more than you can handle.

However, I don't agree with that anymore. God has called us to be broken. Why? So we can depend on Him. If we can handle a situation with our strength, then on our strength we will handle it. If we can solve a problem with our knowledge, then with our knowledge we will solve it. If we can love someone with our own love, then we will only use our love. God desires for us to use His strength, His knowledge, His love, etc. Concluding then that if the only way we will use His resources is by taking away ours, He will then break us in order for this to happen.

I think where this gets scary for me is that I associate brokeness with death. Death doesn't ring the most upbeat bell and I would rather not experience it. But we are suppose to experience it! It is the one experience I think the Lord wants us to have... and the earlier the better. The earlier we realize that it is Him not us, He can do greater things. He won't have to rework the destruction that our flesh makes. Things would be done right the first time if we only let Him and let ourselves die. (I feel like I need to note that the death I am speaking of is a human will death, not a physical death.)

I'm then left with the question of what needs to die? I know my that the general answer is my will, but what all does that include? and what goes in it's place?

*what needs to die ** what goes in it's place

*the right to having MY freedom ** God's grace
*the right to giving MY answers ** God's knowledge
*the desire to live by the law - read the Bible at least 30 min. a day, pray for 1 hour a day, attend church everytime the doors are open, serve in some kind of church committee, spend at least 7 hours of my week with unbelievers, tithe to the church, repent every day that the following list doesn't get accomplshed. ** the desire to live by grace - letting Jesus live through me in everyday activities everyday of my life and knowing that He loves me the same even when my flesh steps in the way. Spending time with Him either through His word or prayer because I long to know Him more not because it has become a requirement. Thinking of myself as a child of God instead of a sinner that has found the right answer.

(By the way, the list of things that are under living by the law are not bad things. I encourage them. However, as I have posted in the past, if we let those things begin to dictate our day/week instead of allowing God to have a say, then it can easily become a false king in the disguise as a good deed.)

*the right to MY time schedule ** God's plan
*the right to MY good health, money, a steady job ** God's plan, provision
*the right to not be defeated ** God's strength
*the right to only be stretched ** God's desires
*the right to try myself ** God being in complete control

These are only a few things, but the ones that came to my heart as I searched.

I want to be broken not just stretched.