Just when...

...you think you have heard the most bizarre thing in the world, something else gets said. :)

Today at school, we were informed by one of our 4 year olds that the shirt she was wearing just would not allow her to do her number work and that if she did her number work, it would ruin her life! (and my friends call me the DQ)

Unbelievable... the things these kids come up with.

Anywayz, today was a good day. I had fun at BB practice... although I felt like we didn't accomplish anything, and then I had dinner with Julie. We had one the best conversations and really got some productive things done for Global Connections. I'm excited to see where God is taking GC and the role that our church will hopefully be fullfilling.

Well, it's time for me to atempt to sleep without the aid of medicine. I'm little concerned. I'm not half as tired as I normally am and it is already 10:30. We'll see...

I'm not a fan of medicine, but these drugs are good...

Thanks to drugs, I have slept the last two nights... and I plan on sleeping tonight as well! :) I had forgotten how good it felt to be rested!!! I know they say that this medicine is addictive, but I know I am addicted to the result of it at least... I'll work on weaning the medicine once my body gets into a good sleeping cycle.

So anywayz, I've been hesitant to blog about this next subject, but it is eating at me. I'm concerned with certain eyes that may fall upon this and take it in incorrectly. It is out of love and concern that I type these next few sentences. I just don't want assumptions made and the situation to become worse...

My family back home is in a little bit of a dispute. I'm not sure to what degree, as being "way up here in BG" has had some communication difficulties in the past. I know where my brother stands... and I know that he made a mistake of talking back and loosing his cool. I also know that there are strong ties between certaine family memebers... mainly father/daughters. I can't say I agree with how everything has worked out thus far. In fact, relating this situation with some past ones, I can confidently say that I don't agree. However, there has been talk of divorce... and that I can't stand to see happen again. Mickayla and Travis need two parents in the household. I don't even want to begin to think about how things could turn out if a divorce happend. In fact, when I do let my mind wander on those thoughts, I immediately start to think about how I could adopt and raise them. I would make it work. All I can think about is what I was going through at that very same age and what T and M must be thinking. They aren't old enough to understand that it isn't their fault... I wasn't. They aren't old enough to comprehend the level of trust and difficulties of relationships. They can't fathom how two people could love each other and then "all of the sudden"... not. They are simply to young, not that any age is okay to loose a parent(s).

I don't even want to think about it anymore. Probably because my memories are still to fresh... and partly because I can't stand to think of anyone else having to go through that pain. Especially T & M... let alone S... and my dad for a second time.

I need you guys to pray. With me. For me. My wish is that it was all mentioned in the heat of things and that it hasn't been thought about or acted upon since. But I have to admit... that wish dims with every new threat. And to my knowledge, this is the fourth one.

I'm tired...

and I'm tired of being tired. Life has to many obsticles right now for me to feel drained all of the time. Other than two nights ago when I took drugs in order to sleep, I don't remember the last time I woke up feeling better than when I went to bed... and now the doctor is telling me to sleep less? I understand his theory is that I will exhaust my body even more and hopefully sleep longer hours during the night, but having not slept normal in a year should have already done that, yes.. no? I'm not the expert, but I know how my body feels... and it isn't good. What I need to do is start walking again, but the weather and this mono thing doesn't help that at all. With my glands and organs being swollen, that pretty much limits me on what I can do... other than the fact that I can't go very long without feeling weak.
I don't know what else to do? I've managed to "get through the day" for so long that even getting by is to hard.

The hardest thing about all of this, is that I can feel and see my emotions going through this tremendous up and down cycle. I hate that! I know that I am in a better mood when my energy is up in the mid morning and that it is worse when my energy gets low. I recognize that, but I've been to tired to even try and change it. It takes to much mentally to have to check myself and think about it all of the time... and yet if I don't stay aware of what is going on with my emotions, I fall super short of being the person God is calling me to be.

Why? ... is my only question right now. I'm even to tired to cry.

Anywayz, I could go on about how I feel, and it wouldn't matter. All it is doing now, is keeping it on my mind and frustrating me even more. I need for something to change... and to change soon. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

WooHoo!!!!!!

I finally slept last night! Of course it helps to have some drugs. :)

I'm typing, but I'm not sure I'm going to post this. My thoughts are so scattered it isn't funny. And I believe that there-in lies the problem. I have been so tired lately that I can't get my thoughts lined up. I can't verbalize what I want to say or need to say. It's all stuck at the fore-front of my mind.

I've decided that going to Uraguay is not where God is leading me. It saddens me some, but I also have a renewed hope of what He is going to do here. I'm excited about where He may lead me and what growth I'll be going through. Which brings up a whole new topic. The area of growth that I know I will be going through for the next few month (or however long it takes) is not going to be fun. I want the end result and I know that I have to go through the whole experience to get there, but I am not looking forward to the process. The little that has happened so far has been rough to handle.

Broken

That's the answer. Confirmed and Okayed. Was it false? I don't know... but God does have something better in store and I'm going to sit back and let it happen.

Anywayz, I've been having a lot of fun lately. I've learned to knit! So far, I have completed a scarf and a hat. I'm working on a second scarf, and I think I am going to try another hat. This Sunday, I'm taking a road trip and will be starting on a sweater. I haven't decided what design I would like to do. There are so many to choose from! (Before I forget m.a.b., this is a reminder to have your hubby tape the 500) :) Yes, the Daytona 500. I missed most of the races last year, and I don't want to go through another season like that again!
So, I'm having so much fun with the knitting, that it has turned into this dream of opening a store. I believe that I can do it. I think I have a crowd that is interested and could help run it during the day and others that would provide classes at night. Finances are obviously my biggest hurddle right now, but there are ways around that. I'm also not sure when this would fit into my schedule, but it would become my main ministry, so I would have to clear my evening schedule (except for thurs.) in order to build it. We'll see. Right now it is a dream. One that is fun to research and plan. I know that I am several months away from having anything concrete. Some think I'm crazy, but what fun is life if you don't step out and take those chances? Who knows... this could be a successful, cool thing. I already have my logo!

Broken or bended?

I realized today that I have fallen in love with a dream. And that dream is not a reality. I have been wrestling this question lately... At what point do you draw the line and say hope needs to stop here? At what point do you give up on some things? Only that when you give up on certain things, within time... another fills its spot and you have to go through the whole process again. There are so many things put before me that influence my thinking... they've been there my whole life, but does that give me a right to buy into it? And yet, I know that God wants something even better for my life... but how do you have a healthy hope? At what point in time does it become false? Is it ever false? Will these questions be answered? Will I stumble into my dream and then never have to wrestle with these things again? Am I thinking to much?!?!?!?

Lord help me sort out these questions. Give me the knowledge to recognize your voice so that I may hear you when you speak.

Thank you

for the strength You have given me today,
for the love that You have placed in my heart,
for the desire to keep going,
for friends that let me vent,
for situations that help me grow,
for the future that is ahead of me,
and for loving me enough...

to hold my hand or carry me through.

Thank you

If a day like today never happened again...

... it will be way to soon!

I know that you are not suppose to hate things in life, but I whole heartily hate city driving. I had a bad experience last year and have slowly built my confidence up to drive around the Toledo area. However, today I experienced Detroit... for over an hour... and I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever drive in the city again.